I don’t think I’ll ever understand what went wrong with me. If I could go back in time and grow to be a better, nicer, more sociable person with better prospects and close friends I’d do it. But the closest thing I really can do is get some distance between myself and life. I think I’ve messaged everyone to let them know how I feel about them and they probably won’t hear from me again. If I haven’t and someone happens to read this. Things will be different from now on.arrivederci world.
"breakdown = breakthrough"
Some of my favourite parts.
I think you’re all actually nice cousins but I wish I knew what my mum and I have done to make the family as a whole dislike us so much that no one even asked, even if they can’t help, just asked how are we? Are we alive? Are we warm? Knowing that we had no where to live and things had gone bad so suddenly. I wish I could learn why but it must be really bad so right now I don’t have the heart for that and maybe I don’t need to know.
It would be embarrassing when people would say ‘don’t you have family you can stay with and I’d be inclined to say no before saying I do but I don’t think they’re bothered or they care, because really it shouldn’t be my embarrassment.
Never would there have been something you could do, self inflicted, accidental or whatever, that would keep me from at least asking are you okay, if I learned bad news, even if it was through a medium, but people treat others as they wish to be treated. So you’ll all always be in my thoughts and prayers but I’ll use my energy wisely.
When I was this age no one would ever imagine that I’d grow up the type of person who seriously had to argue with themselves about why they should wake up every morning. point lacking.
Is it normal to think about dying during your life? I don’t know if it’s fairly normal to wonder or think about how easier and better things would probably be if you weren’t around. It probably isn’t normal to think about it as much as I do buti can’t stop it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to wish death upon myself and I know they things could be so much worse bit I can’t help but feel like there’s someone with so much more need for body and organs than me.
I feel like I just go through the motions everyday and there’s no real reason. I go to work. I eat lunch by myself, I go home, then I’m basically alone again. I might go to the cinema by myse or go to the gym. But at the end of the day, what is it all for? Who cares? If I dissapear, the only person who my absence would really is the one person I’m unable to be emotional or affectionate with. And I really love and appreciate my Mum but I have so many unanswered questions that are causing a blockage at the moment. And my immediate family, who have always been a bit funny really and that’s mainly down to the Grandma, I know now that they couldn’t care less whether we sleep on the street and die or not. So what’s the point? Nobody’s notices anything. If I talk to someone they’re unable to appreciate that things are affecting me and even though I don’t have the biggest problems in the world, they’re significant to me and my life and it’s easily brushed off. It’s so easy for people to lose me and let me go and forget about me. I might as well not exist. The only reason why I wouldn’t really just dissapear is because of Mum. Right now would be the worst time out of any and it’s too selfish when I think about her. I don’t want her to be alone and I always want her to be around. But I sill think about how I would do it and how empty my funeral would be. I’d make sure it couldn’t harm anyone else but that there wouldn’t be any mistake about the end result.
All the time things get a little better and then I think it’s time to be happy and then it’s like downward spiral.
I try to remain positive and spiritual and focus on the good things, because I admit of course there are good things - like I’m alive, but am I always going to have to think like this? Always having to try to be positive hope for the best etc. it’s exhaustive. And now when I think, ‘you’re lucky you’re alive’ I just end up thiking ‘but what for’?
My life feels like a riddle, I just wish I understood why I have to be like this. Sometime I want to be someone else or at least start my life again. I even tried to get a counsellor to talk to but to no avail. There really is nobody.
And I’m just going through the motions for no real reason at all.